Deep inside I'm continually bothered by a gnawing sense that somehow I'm not a real disciple of Christ. I mean, yeah, sure, I'm a believer. I believe in Him and about Him and His Word. But when it comes to truly 'following' Him, I see myself as still being about 179 degrees in the wrong direction most of the time. Steve Smallman (Sonship) is preaching to our church for the next three weeks about discipleship and he's talking about this very subject. So, I'm looking forward to be built up while he illuminates this particular area to us.
Back to the idea that I'm 179 degrees in the wrong direction. Conviction of sin is good, wonderful, leading to repentence, faith, and holiness. But that's not what I mean. It's like every single thing about me seems like it falls so short of ... whatever it is that Jesus has called me to. My job. My relationships. My involvement in ministry. My family. My prayer life. Really. I have described my life as the result of the consequences of past sin and terrible choices. Woulda, shoulda, coulda... If only I was more holy, my life would be totally different. In one sense, I believe this comes from a lack of contentment and in another sense, it is a lack of trust in the sovereignty of God (Then I think, maybe I'm really not reformed afterall ! :).
Last week, my RZIM devotional was perfectly appropriate to this who concept of woulda, shoulda, coulda. Here is a link to the devotional: "If Only" One of my mentors, who has been a very strong advocate for me to be more involved with some of our ministries, took a step back with me recently, bringing my attention to the fact that I should serve where I am - that I should be content and seek to serve right where I am and leave to future to God. This is really great and takes a real load off for me.
Instead of constantly questioning what should I REALLY being doing (seminary, missions, outreach, on and on), she brought my focus back much more to reality. Instead of coveting - which the American Heritage Dictionary defines as "a blameworthy desire for that which is another's" - I'm developing a desire to be content with the specific opportunities in front of me and the circumstances in which the Lord has placed me.
More to come... Enjoy the Superbowl!